Memory keeping

Today I got hit with sadness in knowing that my baby is going to grow up one day.  I was looking at him sleeping swaddled, with his feet tucked in, and he looked so small.

Don't be tricked into believing that he actually slept significantly- this lasted for about 30 minutes. 

It reminded me of his first days, face smushy, eyes closed, and needing us so much.  Well he still needs us so much, and will for a long time, but one day he won't.  And I am thrilled about it!  But also reminded that this is a sacred, special, fleeting time. I am already regretting not owning a video camera, we didn't videotape the birth because at the time, hugely pregnant and emotional, I didn't see the need.  Now I would love to be able to experience it again on video, and I'd love to be able to show Nolan one day his first moments, first breaths, first cry.  I can tell him about them but it won't be the same, and that's okay too.  We haven't recorded any of his sounds or faces, and some of them are gone.  He's grown out of his newborn cry, and now has a full, manly 7 week old cry that is so different, and of course memories are perfect and plenty but now and then the foreshadowing of nostalgia for this time is pretty near the surface.

I've started a bag of giveaway clothes that are too small for him, I guess this is when all these feelings came up because I also started a bag of keepsakes.  Seeing my baby clothes and hearing memories about my babyhood from my mom and dad are so meaningful, I want Nolan to have that too.  I want to find his first outfit and put it in that box, I don't remember what hat was thrown on his head right away, but that will go in the box too.

He is getting so much bigger all the time, he does new things each day, I am worried that I'm missing it.  I'm also terrified of going back to work.  That day is coming up so fast, and while I am sure I will love seeing the kids faces and hearing about what they're proud of, I am really going to struggle with leaving my baby.

I wasn't sentimental during my pregnancy, I didn't photograph each month or have pregnancy pictures taken (though I secretly (or not) wanted to).  And I wasn't very careful about where I put my ultrasound pictures.  I know I kept them in a book I was reading at the time, now I can't seem to find them anywhere.  During my pregnancy we moved, and along with the move I misplaced both the early ultrasound and the 20 week ones as well.  While pregnant, this didn't seem like a big deal, now I am so bummed.  I'm even thinking of calling the dr. office to see if they are still on their computer database.

What is it in us (me) that creates the desire for keepsakes and documentation?  It's probably the same thing that makes some people scrapbookers and others not.  I was always one of the "nots," until now. Having a baby has made me sentimental, and cutesy, and makes me want to record everything from now on.  It's going by so quickly.

These days we're doing a lot of this, hands in the mouth business all day long. 

Here we are again.  I love the concentration, furrowed brow, this is hard work Mama!

And again.

There he is, my little lovebug.  And yes, the changing pad cover is missing because he peed on it, again.