Monday, September 12, 2011

Grutz says, "I know, I know, but..." or "Tungsten carbide drill? What the bloody 'ell's 'tungsten carbide drill'?!?"

Nick, where have you been?

I've been keeping a low profile lately.  I knew something was up when I overheard some folks at the bus stop talking amongst themselves and they were asking each other if they knew what was up with Grutz.  I was incognito 'cos, you know, I'm big in Chicago and I like my privacy, so I just pretended to read my Straits Time, adjusted my fake gray bushy eyebrows and beard, glasses, and tipped my boater to get a better look.
One of my guises when I venture out.
I'm not sure as to the nature of the origin of the conversation, but I'll relate as best I can when I came upon them....

Admirer no. 1 - "(I'm) a little worried, too.  Do you think Grutz is done with the blog?"
Admirer no. 2 - "Hard to say, hard to say.  At the very least I would have liked a big send off, you know, wicked headline which doesn't make sense until you read the post, neat photos with sublimely witty captions, wacky, random rants about politics/current events.  Hell, even some birthday info would be nice.  It is kinda spooky, though, posting a lot, then poof, no more."
Admirer no. 1 - "(Sigh) I hope everything is alright.  You know, like what if something bad happened to him?  Like he perished in a raging fire saving orphans or even worse, he doesn't have internet!"
Admirer no. 2 - "I think something would have been said.  At the very least by his wife.  Anyway, I miss the guy, but then again, it's nice getting a break from hearing all about how great Iowa is...."

At this point I stepped up to these two, placed the paper under my arm, straightened my bowtie, cleared my throat, and with a german accent asked, "Yah, I have heard of dis Iowa in my home in Dusseldorf.  A most velcoming place, or so I've heard.  Ah, here is zee bus.  Guten tag!"  And thus, the two stepped on the bus and I continued my constitutional.

But it got me thinking.  Yes, it has been far too long to post.  Yes, my wonderful admirers, it has been a long, long, long time.  My reasons are many, but let's have a little fun with it, shall we?  I will present different scenarios explaining my lack of posting and you can guess which one is the real reason I've been dragging my feet posting.  I'll present the real reason(s) very, very soon.

1.  Really bad self-perm.  My hair is getting kind of long and we're trying to save money and I was getting really sick and tired of my locks getting in my eyes.  We were at a second-hand store looking for items for Carleen's classroom and I stumbled upon this.....
At $0.35, its a lot cheaper than a hair cut.
.......and ended up with this.
And Phil Spector's perm looks better than mine.  Ghastly, I know.
Thus, in hiding.

2.  A pulled hamstring.  I pulled my hammy running out a routine grounder and was placed on the 15 day DL.  I tweeked it again in batting practice and am listed as day to day.

3.  An adverse reaction to piercing my own ear.  On a whim I decide to pierce my ear.  Grabbed a needle and a potato and jabbed away (in my left ear, cos you know, I'm cool).  It looked so rad when I was finished.  48 hours later my ear lobe is the size of an asian egg plant and as red as fire truck.  A visit to the ER when I started losing consciousness, two weeks in intensive care and some antibiotics the size of horse pills I'm finally all back to normal.  Who knew an infection could travel from your ear lobe to you spine?

4.  Just really f@cking lazy.

5.  Do you have any idea how much baby crap there is out there?!?!  Good god!  I look over some of these gargantuan "must-have lists" and I ask myself, "Are we heading the the International Space Station or are we having a kid?"  Honestly, Hillary and Tenzing had less shi!t in base camp and they frickin' climbed Everest.  I have files, literally, files on items you wear that can hold your baby, from something that reminds me of a hammock a peasant in Machu Picchu would wear, to uber-tech composite alloy packs Navy Seals would carry their kids in (and both more costly than my first car).
Our nursery will be better provisioned than these guys.  They only climbed the highest peak in the world.

5.  Teaching Arnie to play Cribbage.  This.Is.Really.Hard.

Bro.  Bro?  It's your turn.  C'mon, man.

6.  A tif with my father, Dan Grutz.  He's not terribly happy about my chosen profession.  It's really caused me to take a look at where my life is going.  A real self-evaluation.  Here's the incident as reenacted by some Brits.  Some amazing and important Brits (cost me a fortune).  Oh, and my name is Ken, in this piece.  Aaaand my dad's name is Frank, too.

7.  Boring.  Nothing of great importance has happened.  No news is good news, right?

Or submit YOUR ideas as to my hiatus from blogging.  Get creative/funny/gross/silly/epic and share with the world (and my admirers) what I have not been blogging.  It'll be good for you.


carleen said...

Nick, You made me laugh, out loud, at work. Well done.

Anonymous said...


Lynn said...

I don't understand whats happening. Are these things real?

Anonymous said...

Ooooh! Too many of these are real. Perhaps we have a vote on the veracity of each!
Nick, loved the video clip. Yup, I get it!
What about adding the fume-induced 'trip' when you helped remove the glue from the battleship linoleum in the kitchen on Jackson?
-Mother Theresa

Anonymous said...

Okay, I vote for #4, although I'm afraid it's #6, and rather hope it's #7.
P.S. I knew the video was a re-enactment becuase those lovely British boys are so good looking.