soaking up the love

I am relishing these quiet mornings.  I know his cries now, this one’s a tired cry, needing a little nursing right before morning napping.  This time is my favorite.  It’s peaceful and half asleep, he makes quiet murmurs and closes his eyes effortlessly.  Such sweetness in my arms. 

It’s Valentine's Day, and I am so grateful for love.  I am trying to breathe it in all the time with Nolan, and Nick and everyone around me.  We are blessed. 

My loves are lounging together after a long days work.

My mind these days is full with trying to figure out how I am going to go back to work.  I feel such purpose and need right here at home, I am fulfilled and I just want to care for Nolan and reflect on our lives, and make plans for the future, but work?  I want to be with my baby and husband and working is the last thing on the list.  I love working with my students, and there is so much teaching to be done in this world, it just feels like this is such a fleeting, sacred time with my baby, how can I knowingly leave it to someone else?  It will have to happen because I have committed to finishing out the school year, and I will, but it won’t be without tears I am certain.  

The uncertain part is when: I am applying for a 3 week extension because I only took 9 of the 12 alloted school weeks, as per the Family Leave Act, and on this side of my pregnancy, I want all the time I can get.  I couldn’t have predicted how much I want to be home, or that Nolan was going to be 2 weeks extra cooked before making his appearance, and now it feels just too soon to be leaving him.   I may not get the extension though, it all depends on CPS and how generous they are feeling.  If I am not allowed the 3 more weeks, I go back to work February 28.  Which, is basically tomorrow.  I don’t know how it’s going to work.   We have some finagling to do with figuring out who’s going to care for him in the interim before the end of March, and hopefully we can come up with a contingency plan in the case that I don’t get the extension.  But for today, I am enjoying how his head smells and the soft sounds he makes when he’s content. 

Today I dumped out the laundry on the bed, set Nolan on the changing table, twirled the new to us mobile Nick put up yesterday, and took out some of my old jeans that had been sitting, folded nicely in the bottom drawer of my dresser.  I felt like wearing real clothes today, I’ve been living in dance pants and t-shirts for 8 weeks now, and today, I felt like jeans.  I have to report that I squeezed into my corduroy pants that I love, but really they are only doable if I don’t sit down.  Sitting down and getting comfortable is out of the question.  I am able to, with ease, button up one pair of jeans (admittedly which were a little big before baby), and I am wearing them now and it feels amazing.  All of my fitted jeans are still pretty roll inducing, so they’re back in the bottom drawer, and it’s weird, but I am more comfortable in my own skin now than ever.  Most of the weight disappeared really quickly, but my body has changed a lot, and I’m grateful that I really love it now.  I am softer in lots of places, comfy for snoozes on, and I have a little treasure to show for it.  It’s so worth it.