41 weeks, less happy more frustrated vent

41 weeks, less happy more frustrated, I am starting to feel like I'll be pregnant forever, and that feeling that I never had the first time around, I want to be done.  I am vacillating between wanting nothing else but to lie on the couch and watch Orange is the New Black and thinking I should be doing something active to get things going.  I have this feeling in the back of my head that my bodies going to essentially "fail" me again, and not go into labor naturally, so nothing matters anyway.  The 6 dates a day since 38 weeks are going to be for naught, I just know it.  And then, I switch to the feeling of this baby needs to cook a little longer and thats fine, I can take the butt in the ribs difficulty breathing, insomnia and heartburn as a long as it takes little one.  Of course, and then there's Nolan, who is amazing.  He's been sleeping with Dad for some extra snuggles because I can't handle night nursing him anymore, and I also am sitting up in bed and peeing too many times for anyone to have a good nights rest.  He's been in a great mood the past few days, and yesterday slept for 3 1/2 hours in the afternoon.  This is a huge departure from the week before, when he was down to hour long naps and 5 am wake ups. It didn't last long enough to even call it a phase, but I am glad we are back to "normal" whatever that is.  This "normal" is going to be short lived, and a new normal will be joining us in 7 days or less.   That is something at least, this new love will be here within the week.  August 16th at the latest.  Our baby's birthday will be somewhere between August 9 and the 16th.  Kind of amazing.

This kind of venting makes me feel terrible, and of course I should just be grateful for the health of this child and my own and my families.  Which, I am, incredibly so.  I am just at that point where tears are a regular thing, and I am just done.

Here is the blur that keeps us moving all day long. 

Nick made us a beautiful little flower castle on our late afternoon beach sit yesterday.    I am so grateful for these days and time with these awesome boys.