Learning curve

We are settling in at home after what was probably the most challenging car trip of our relationship so far.  I am relieved and happy to be on the ther side of it, I think I can speak for all of us in saying we all did our best.  Traveling with an 8 week old baby can be awesome or really freaking hard and for us it was the latter.  I am okay with saying that our beautiful girl who we love completely is a bit on the fussy baby side, and may have been going through a growth spurt, needing nursing almost every waking hour.  Nolan has been the biggest trooper and was an awesome car rider and big brother the whole time.  We were thoroughly impressed and if we could love him anymore we would.  Heard for the back seat more than once, "it's okay baby," and "baby bless you" when she sneezed or coughed or snorted.  And, "momma, hold de baby, baby crying lots!" On the way to Dubuque she cried for probably 2 1/2 hours.  I had myself convinced that I was a terrible person for putting my child through this and also that she was in pain. 

I'm not sure how to bridge these thoughts but this is what I'm thinking:

During this trip I witnessed myself becoming awake to the feelings of wanting only to care for my children, to make their lives rich, be the best for them.  Nolan's new self awareness and articulation and Frances' utter need and my dear husbands care and concern for me all came together and manifested in my waking mama bear.  It's been there all along, this I know.  Maybe because there are are two needing me, maybe it was the crying, but I felt a shift this trip, welcoming more love into my life. 

I learned home is priceless, and toddlers understand what that means.  On the first night away, Nolan asked over and over to go home, to his bed.

I learned that crying is impermanent and that sometimes it just means we all need sleep.

Also that a good coffee and a hug from your partner can make it bearable.

I learned that grown up humility and sharing makes you feel less alone. 

There's nothing like home after a difficult experience. 

I feel weird about saying all these things without all the good things too, it was excellent seeing Nolan with his aunts and uncles and grandma and great grandma and cousins. Nick lights up around his family and in Iowa, that change in him is palpable, and I loved relaxing and being outside with my family.  It was a great visit, minus the driving. 

Sometimes I learn more from the hard stuff, that was definitely the case this time around.

*im writing this on my phone while nursing, I'll fix the pic formatting and add captions when I get to the computer!