I'm going back to work on Wednesday. Nothing feels good right now. Leaving Frances feels viscerally wrong. The idea of it hurts. Momma instinct or evolution or survival, I am twisting up inside. I've made commitments to my job, people are counting on me, other peoples children will be affected if I don't go back. That sinks in and I want to follow through on my commitments. Ironically, money is the last thing on my mind. How does anyone do this? She can't be the first cranky baby who refuses a bottle. Part of me wonders if it's physiological, and on some level I'm wondering if she's refusing it because she needs me, like really needs me for comfort and survival. She was induced (albeit acupuncture) to be born, she didn't entirely come on her own, and part of me is thinking that she wasn't ready, and isn't ready to face some things here on the outside. She's always needed to be held close, and to this day she sleeps best on my chest. I don't know, thoughts rolling around in my head, especially after reading about birth trauma (www.thetwincoach.com). We've also been working with a cranial sacral therapist who says sometimes we have to process things that happen, to unwind in order for everything to work right. She's coming back tomorrow.
I'll take any thoughts anyone has about bottle feeding, (or cup or syringe), and how to deal with mommy guilt too.