Catching up and writing it down

April 6, 2012

Well the call of the open road is still there.  Every so often I get an urge to be somewhere out West, with our tent as temporary home, and the backdrop is a mountain at sunrise.  The time we spent traveling as a twosome was special and singular.  It will happen again, maybe when Nolan’s away at college. 

We’ve spent the past few days traveling and visiting in Cincinnati and Dubuque.  We left for Cincinnati on Saturday, enjoyed the weekend and Monday, Tuesday morning we headed back to Chicago and had a layover night at home for recharging and refueling and Wednesday we left for Dubuque.  It’s Friday and we are on the way back to Chicago for one night as just us, and then my sister moves in on Saturday.  It’s been a whirlwind time.  Nolan will have an Auntie Nanny, and Nick and I will be at work on Monday.  All of this is a lesson in flexibility.  

We had a stark return to an undesired reality as we were driving up to our apartment in Chicago.  Nick accidentally cut someone off, as there are a slew of stop signs on Roscoe Street, some 3 way stops, some 4 way stops.  He puts his hands up in the generally accepted “I’m sorry” gesture, and says it audibly as well.  On the narrow one way street, the other driver pulls up next to our car and yells repeatedly, “Watch your mouth, bitch!”  All signs point to gangbanger (stereotyping directly from his appearance and behavior); he has the tattoo tears on his face where real tears might go, and tattoos up the arms as well.  There are two or more people in the car, but I can’t say for sure.   Nick keeps saying, “I’m sorry,” and the guy and his cronies speeds off, ironically blowing through the next stop sign.  

Nolan and I were sitting in the back seat and I could feel my mother bear gearing up to protect him if I had too.  Mother bear is fierce when she’s called on.  Mothering is something that feels so natural most of the time, this instinct is amazing.  It makes me really wonder about all the tragedy that happens and how much of the behaviors around the shootings and crime essentially go against what I like to believe is the human instinct to be good and kind.  The worlds of depravity and have nots that surround crime and tragedy must be strong and magnetic enough to make null the good and kind override. 

It’s sad that there are so many neighborhoods in Chicago were this could have happened.  We are talking about a move (again) in July, apparently living across from a church and on the same street as two schools isn’t enough to avoid gang shootings and run ins with unsavory characters, and it’s feeling like the choices are so few when looking at affordability and safety.  And yet again, being away from Chicago makes us revisit thoughts of living elsewhere.  Big city living is on a continuum of extremes: the goods are great and the bads are terrible.  The in between, what makes life livable are just that, mediocre.  This is a familiar feeling, wondering if there is another city that is better for us, better for our baby.  Being a mom makes me want to give him everything that is best for him: green grass to feel under his feet, public school that I can believe in, parks without remote chances of crossfire, sidewalks safe for bicycles, and air that is good to breathe.  It was so refreshing to see a clear full moon last night, and to wake up to birdsongs and crisp, quiet air.  We go through this futile debate regularly.  Chicago has certain things that we hold incredibly dear: good friends, dance community, culture, possibility, current jobs that are needed, the lake, summers, city living, and our midwives, who I am dedicated to delivering our next baby, whenever that is.  And it has aspects that I am so tired of.  We know what they are, no need to list them.  Then there’s that alternative, elusive city.  We don’t know where we’d go if we weren’t in Chicago.  We’ve pretty much talked ourselves out of living in Dubuque or Cincinnati proper but don’t have any idea where it is that we want to be.  We’ve romanticized the unknown, but we don’t know where it is or how to bridge the polar opposites that Chicago offers.

This much is true, I want it all: barefoot children running in grass, good friends that meet me where I am, birdsongs in the morning, a home that feels safe, and dancing that feeds me artistically, physically, and intellectually.  The conversation continues, as does the present moment.  I can see Chicago in the distance, where we make our lives for now. 

April 9, 2012

And now for a dump of cuteness...

A few weeks ago Nolan had time with his baby friends.  And the Mommys got to hang out too.  I am so incredibly grateful to have friends going through the same things with me. 

Heads!

Here is a sweet moment with Daddy from when we were in Cincinnati. 

Sleeping baby in Cinci!

Gearing up for a walk in the Cincinnati sun with Mom. 

Hugs.

Smiles on the porch. 

Gramma time. 

Doing the airplane with Granpa. 

View from below. Check out the bubbles!

Snoozin'

Slightly awake...

Just pretending, definitely asleep. 

Who's a cool dude?

It was Easter Sunday, and Nolan got his toes in his mouth.  A number of times. Who needs the Easter Bunny when you've got toes?

FEET!

Aunt Julia has arrived. 

They are beautiful together. 

And smitten! 

What have we been up to for the past few days? (pictures to be uploaded when I am less tired)

December 21, 2010. 

It’s a few days before Christmas, and I couldn’t be less in the spirit.  I don’t know if it’s because we essentially skirted the natural rhythms of Fall by skipping to the west coast, or because the last few months have been so challenging and I don’t yet feel like celebrating.  I’m sure the holiday bug will catch me soon enough, but for now we are escaping to Asheville, North Carolina for a mini visit with my brother Michael and his girlfriend Kim.  We’ve spent the past few days in Cincinnati with my family.  My sister Julia has been home (filling her 6 week college break with taking 12 credit hours of online classes, and working full time at UPS).  My brother Matt and his fiancé Maggie have also been around.  Matt is intermittently staying at my parents house until they move into their new apartment tomorrow.  Maggie is wedding planning, starting a new job and mostly stays at her parents so we don’t see much of her.  And of course my lovely and idiosyncratic mom and dad have been so great to be around albeit briefly.  My mom’s slowing getting into the swing of relaxation, the knitting has taken on a life of it’s own, and the decorations have appeared!  My dad is working a lot and is sleepy most of the time, but we’ve had a few classic and epic conversations that only Dad’s can authenticate.  And Julia, well she’s as brilliant as ever, tortured with the struggle of making the world a better place and her “idiot professors” who clearly aren’t fit to be in charge of propagating knowledge and reason to the online masses.  If anyone can save the world, it’s her.  

Of course, we’re in the car right now, and of course I’m writing.  Much has happened in the past few days, Nick’s been shoveling up a storm, we’ve been riding the elliptical in the basement, we went to a XAVIER game with my folks, Matt and Maggie, and her parents.  XU wins!  We’ve done some purposeful hanging out, some half hearted holiday preparation, a bunch of lengthy conversations around tea and coffee and the breakfast table, and a whole lot of sleeping.  As mentioned in the last blog, my students have given me the gift of the never ending and transmutable cold.  Somehow it infiltrated my ear canals too, and I am on heavy antibiotics for a bad left ear infection.  Today my right ear started crackling, I’ve been out of school for a week and a half now, and I am still a sicky.  Geez that was some powerful cold.    

The primary reason we came back to Cincinnati so early was because I wanted to take the opportunity that this 3 week Track E break affords to go to my high schools annual Alumni day.  Every year, Alumni day falls on Friday of the week before Christmas, which is always way too early to take off of work.  It worked out for the first time this year that my break included this week.  The School for Creative and Performing Arts (SCPA) is in a new, beautiful, state of the art building, the school that I grew up in is no longer, and while some of the traditions are the same, being in the new building was almost like spending time with a different school entirely.  It’s clean and gorgeous, the dance studios look nothing like the rippled marley that I learned ballet on, and the wide open hallways were nothing like the musty and dark corners that a random saxophone music would waft out of, but, when the music to FAME started, and alumni music theatre majors took to the stage, all was well at SCPA.  It was great to see progress, and it was amazing to see that the legacy of public, top notch arts education lives on in Cincinnati. 

Right now, our soundtrack for the trip to Asheville is Hank Williams and Willie Nelson, two cds I procured from my favorite bookstore, Half Price books yesterday.  Of course, these are both Christmas presents for someone in my family (can’t say because I hope to publish this before then :), I’m sure he won’t mind that we opened the cds to help pass the time!  I worked at Half Price Books the summer I lived at home post college.   It was easily the best job of my entire life so far.  I got to stick my nose in books all day, the hours were a perfect 11-7 or 10-6, I got full health benefits (not that I used them, but it was nice to know I could if I wanted to), and of course I had a summer bookstore boyfriend that I really liked, which made the days fly by.  I loved being able to recall authors and titles as if I’d read all of them, I felt smart and everyday there was a tangible amount of work that had been accomplished.  And now I know, if all else fails, I can always feel successful at a used bookstore. 

Of some note, we have been distracted the past few days with Matt and Maggie’s dog Lola, who has been habituating the green rug in the front room of my parents house.  She is a golden lab, Matt says she’s a cross between a deer and a dog; I added “cow” to the mix because she is SOLID, and makes her presence known by side humping your leg, not vicious or voraciously, just solidly.  She’s beautiful, but hilarious in her intellectual shortsightedness.  Apparently she hasn’t been around kids or people bundled up for winter weather ever, and sees them as threats.  Nick and I were walking her and coming upon a 6 year old kid with a hat on, she got in to serious attack mode.  We had to turn around, Matt says that she puts on a big show, but then is timid and ignores the unknowing offender.  And this takes the cake: today was trash pickup day, so people had trash bags and trash cans out last night when I was walking her.  With no person or animal around in sight, Lola starts to growl, her tail goes down, and she is barring her teeth.  Turns out she is growling at the trash bags on the sidewalk.  Hilarious.  I don’t mind a simple minded dog, I’ll take whatever I can get, I am in serious dog coveting mindset these days.  I think it has something to do with wanting a home.  Having a dog implies settling of some sort, and that seems to be at the forefront of my mind lately.  

We’ve left the snowy environs of Cincinnati, and have been enveloped by the cloudy and misty southern states.  Here in Tennessee, the snow is completely gone, the ground looks soggy and light rain prevails.  It’s a springy 40 degrees, and we are almost to Asheville!